Fantasy Baseball League

I've decided that baseball would be better off operating more like our public schools. Here are some of the changes I'd make:

1. Players could no longer be cut or sent to the minors for poor performance. As long as they show up for every game and practice they would be paid.
2. Player salaries would be determined by how many years they had played for the team, not based on any performance statistics.
3. Players who exhibited performance-oriented behaviors (like trying to steal a base or diving for a fly ball) would be ostracized by the other players on the team.
4. Every call by the umpires would be reviewed by The Commissioner the next day. Scores would be revised based on his ruling.
5. There would be lots of promotional nights and giveaways. Examples: Indigenous People's Night. Gay Pride Night. Free tofu hot dog night. Fan Appreciation Night where everybody in attendance gets a trophy for showing up.
6. Fans would not be allowed to boo or disparage the players or managers. Violators will be ejected and sent to reeducation classes.  

Now, just in case too few people would voluntarily pay to watch games, we would require everyone who lived in the market area to buy a season ticket -- whether they attended games or not. If you wanted to buy tickets to watch an out-of-town team, you could, but you would still have to pay for your season ticket. And in order to increase the salaries of the players and managers we would be raising ticket prices each year. Any sportswriter who questioned the team's record would be told it could be improved by raising ticket prices and expanding the roster. 

In the spirit of community cooperation, I ask all of you to support me in this effort. If you don't, I will have a couple representatives of the players union pay a visit to your home to explain.